Defining What is Yours

Aims: 

To become skilled at understanding what one controls and does not.

To develop a framework to understand personal agency in a more effective way.

Assignment Instructions

Read and reflect on this passage before answering the questions that follow.

The outside world is an unreliable and harmful ally if you place your worth at the feet of its judgment. People might congratulate you when you succeed, and console you when you fail, but it is neither helpful nor sensible to expect such things, nor to to base your value on what they say either way. Your sense of worth is far too important to sub- contract to the outside world. Life is more stable, and the world is a far better partner, if you set your self worth for yourself. Regardless of what your performance is currently like, one thing is essential if you are to seek to improve: a stable, positive, unfettered sense of your own worth.

So, what do you base your worth on, and is your answer psychologically compatible with performing well in the areas that matter to you? Besides which, are you a fair judge of your worth, and a fair judge of your performance? Anyway, how could such lofty notions as ‘self worth’ connect to something as measured and dry as ‘performance’?

The answers can be found by examining the nature of humanity as a species. We are primates with evolving human qualities. We have brains which function in measurable ways, both as physical organs and as machines that process information. It follows, then, that performance is rooted in understanding what hardware and software help this organ to function well.

Consider these common quotes, found in many a coaching book, program or social media post:

‘Keep your emotions in control’

‘You have to believe in yourself’

Neither of them is very controversial, and both of them seem to be quite sensible. And yet neither of them really helps you to know how to achieve their aims. Emotional control is very difficult to achieve; without any other guidance, most of us think of it as ‘hiding the emotions away’. Believing in yourself is hard to do, especially if you are already in a competitive arena, anxious and hesitant to deal with something very difficult up ahead.

So, we come towards formulating both a better question: how to determine a performance-friendly sense of self worth. This leads us to a better answer: It’s about something called ‘locus of control’. This is a neuropsychological concept, and it refers to factors which influence emotional stability and self-regulation. Basically, research indicates that mental functioning is more stable and more capable of dealing with complex problems if these two conditions are met:

• Emotional control is mostly from a steady, internal locus
• Self worth is similarly positive, and detached from achievements

Have a look at the next diagram.

The theory of locus of control arose from scientific studies of people who struggle with emotional instability, but we have found useful when applied to anyone facing difficult situations. Researchers noticed how these people were very prone to having unstable self worth. Mostly, this was because people tend to look to the outside world for validation, be it attention from others, or events that indicated achievement or lack of it. So in learning about this, people can become more aware of the issue and find ways to reclaim their self worth, to become more stable and consistent where it counts. 

It turns out that the theory holds true not just for self worth and emotional stability, but it also has modulating effect on real technical skills like solving mathematical problems, social conflicts and so on. Without a stable, positive sense of self worth, people struggle with other cognitive tasks.

For the mind to function well, above and beyond its base instincts and insecurities, people who decide to base their emotions and self worth from the inside, from their own prior decisions, have both greater emotional stability, and better ability to tackle complex problems. That, dear reader, is right from the bowels of science and performance research.

Remember those two common sayings from earlier? ‘Keep your emotions in control! ‘You have to believe in yourself!’

Now we have a tool to help achieve those things. I’m sure you have some idea, but don’t worry if you can’t quite see how to do it. We will take things step by step. And we will take things further. We will refine the model, and many others, describing specific techniques to make them work for you in your quest to be more polished, more consistently at your best. As with most tools, different ones work better in different situations, so we will also explore circumstances where this and other different techniques are more suited.

To perform at your best, let’s not get carried away with ideas of giving 110% or being the best in the world. The first one is mathematically impossible; it is just an inspirational saying, and yet many people take it literally, exhausting themselves and losing performance as a result. The second one is unhelpful at the moment, because being the best in the world is about comparative performance, which is only a side effect. You may become the best in the world if your personal best happens to be better than others. Better to aim for your best. You cannot control other peoples’ attributes or performance (at least not yet, but more on that later).

Let’s expand on this metaphor of becoming more ‘polished’. Just like polishing a piece of metal or a wooden ornament, the shine gets deeper, more lustrous and more resilient the more layers of polish you gently apply. That’s what we will be doing in this book. To discover and promote high performance, we will take a multi-pronged, gentle approach, repeating the basics, trying different evidence-based techniques out to find the ones that work for you, and frequently taking stock of your mindset.

There is only one of you, therefore you have the unique and distinct goal of being the best that only you can be. Your journey will always be different, sometimes subtly, and sometimes wildly, from others, because they are trying to be their best, which is fundamentally different to your best. Just like a polishing toolkit can be used to shine many different objects, the techniques of performance science are multiple and versatile. Learning them well can help any upwards-thinking person to improve in the areas they desire.

Questions

Note: This is a formative exercise. The thinking and reflective part is what counts, not the rightness or wrongness of the answer as such. Where creating mental tools is concerned, the effort counts more than the result, especially in the beginning. Good results will start to come when you repeat and refresh the learning, even if the lessons seem simple or straightforward. 

The answering guide can be found by scrolling to the bottom of the page.

Question 1

When you see someone get very angry for not much reason, what is your impression of them? How does it make you feel? Explain your answer.

Question 2

'Keeping your emotions in control' seems to be a sensible piece of advice. What is wrong with this advice, if anything?

Question 3

You have a business idea that seems great in your opinion. What if nobody believes in your idea except you? What effect does that have on your self belief? Explain your own experiences of being believed, not believed, and so on. How does this affect you nowadays? Is there any benefit in reacting the way you do? Consider that every reaction probably has some benefit.

Answering Guide

Question 1. Witnessing someone else's emotions provokes an emotional reaction within you. Learning about this is a helpful way to learn about how you are. In addition, understanding extreme emotions helps to understand your vulnerabilities and where they come from.

Question 2. It depends what is meant by 'control'. It's about the difference between suppression or denial of emotions or finding a more knowing, sympathetic way of management. It's also about considering the situation and the context. It depends what the other person is angry about. If their beliefs and reasons match yours, you are available to be manipulated into joining their emotional journey, whether or not there is intention to do so.

Keeping emotions suppressed is not always a problem in the midst of a situation; in fact it can help you keep up a calmer expterior when there are things still to be dealt with. However, without specific attention to these periods afterwards, they begin to mount up within the tight space where they've been locked away. They can and will come to have an effect on you whether you know it or not. Indifference to suffering, brazen ignorance of risk, a frequent temper, or physical problems such as high blood pressure, heart disease, and many other issues too numerous to list. As was once said 'The pain that doesn't find tears makes the other organs weep'.

The more you learn, the more you will discover that emotions are better managed, both in the short term and long term. We will look at those tools later.

Question 3. It is wise not to confuse the value of an idea with one's personal worth.

If you believe in your idea, it would be wiser to detach yourself from your ideas to a certain degree. Any idea is best seen as a product of your mind, an event. It is not your identity. Products can be examined, developed, criticised and so on. That way you are more likely to see them for what they are and refine them without the danger of being blinded by your convictions of how right you are. In turn, you don't become attached to the idea of success or failure more than necessary. Success and failure are also just events. Sure, they can be celebrated or mourned respectively, but they are external to you, so regard them with objective clarity. Do not let other people's opinion influence your beliefs so readily as to hang your own value on their opinions too.

Other peoples' opinions need not have any effect on you, nor do they need be always sought, but it would be difficult to get anything done without buy-in or input from others sometimes.

These questions are rarely answered with a one-size-fits-all. Some ideas do not require others to believe in them, for example. Others may require and depend on others' belief.