Crisis Toolkit 2: The Advantage of Difficulty

Pain and difficulty can be experienced without letting them turn into suffering. It’s not about cutting pain and difficulty off, or loving them, or leaning into them. It is more about calling them over for a cup of tea and a conversation. Get to know them, give them the respect and time they need, and they will be less insistent on hijacking your life.

Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.

No experience, no trauma, no good fortune, no good or bad memory need be wasted. The way you are now, with your experiences, traumas, regrets, all of it: all of it is accessible and exploitable. It’s not about showing off your scars or being a hero. Nobody likes that. It goes deeper; it’s more private.

The first step is to be reflective. From now on, reflection is not just an option. Find ways to be equally reflective, even thankful, about all the bad and the good things that have happened to you. We will learn how to turn this to good effect, without turning yourself into some kind of ascetic monster. You will still be normal. It’s not about the ‘channel the pain, use your anger’ crap you read elsewhere. It’s about living with it in a less judgmental way: experience is experience, good or bad.

One caution though. If you’re in mental pain or suffering to the point of being mentally ill, and can see nothing but bitterness, fear and terror in your past or future, then you need to step off and get help from a professional. Do it privately, away from the people who pay you. No matter what they say, they fear your illness, and by extension, they fear you. Even in your darkest hour, retain that attachment to reality. See a heart surgeon if your ticker is dicky. See a brain doctor if your bonce has got in a waffle. Keep it private, to yourself and your loved ones, as much as you can. Same principle.

Back to the thread. Not all pain can or should lead to endless suffering. Consider the principle of Post Traumatic Growth. You can learn how your particular set of personal qualities can be shepherded towards PTG. Back when Harris Hawkins did some research work for a trauma unit in London, we discovered that PTG and PTSD were concentrated in founders FTSE250 companies. We interviewed them. We formed hypotheses to understand how this worked, and we refined and retested the lessons therefrom.

Here’s a simple summary of PTG. Of every 10 people subjected to significant or severe mental trauma, all of them will go through a difficult time in the six months afterwards. After this period, the outcomes are described in the following picture.

This is the status quo, without any professional intervention. We define trauma here as ‘threatening events at the extremes of experience, causing intense mental distress’.

For every ten people who face a significant trauma:

• Four go on to develop mental health problems later on: PTSD, anxiety disorders, addiction, personality disorders and so on. They blame themselves for things they can’t change.
• Five will adjust and carry on- they are resilient, having accepted that something terrible happened beyond their control, and they move on largely unchanged, if not a little wiser.
• One of them will go on to show post-traumatic growth: they go on to live life more fully, achieving well-being or success at a higher level than people who would not have gone through the same trauma.

If you have gone through some trauma and come out much worse for it, months or years later, this is not your fault. But it is still your responsibility to handle it. Most people muddle through it, they survive. People who show post-traumatic growth are of great interest to us in the performance consulting field. Ignored by medicine and seen as marvels by others, they carried with them secrets of extreme performance. We’ve learned how they coped, and it turns out we can teach it.

There are some polished ways of thinking, self-management and habits that seem to be more commonly found in these people. The message is that we can move from survival to positive adaptation.

Your abilities, your advantages and disadvantages as they are in your life, are there for you to examine afresh. It’s about applying a new understanding to your ingredients, and reconstructing yourself into a wholly more capable individual. It is only through self awareness, and by fully accepting and examining the lot that you are given, that you can set out to become truly masterful.

One second at a time

The key to being exceptional more consistently is this: tiny step by tiny step. This is not some instant formula, because those don’t exist. With every insight you gain, your Ego will celebrate and think that you’ve ‘got it’. Not so. Celebrate the insights, but know two things:

• insights need to be accumulated, revised and reinforced
• it takes time for any insight to translate to behaviour
• 
  

I mean, you will be taking really small steps, being thankful and reflective for each step taken.

You only live one second at a time. The most you can actually influence is what you do right now. You can’t expect to overcome great challenges or master great things any quicker than one second at a time. You have the same 24 hours in your day as Michelangelo, Jesus, and Jeff Bezos. Slowly and steadily does it. Pause and reflect much more often than you currently do. To be stopped, to be still, is important before any new movement.

A polished person has a sense of self awareness, and a sense of clarity in their purpose and role as it is right there in that situation. They understand and becalm their Ego and use their Intellect to greatest effect. They consider the situation using their Center. This is a lifelong effort. It requires constant low-key bursts of effort. These add up in a chain of accruing virtue. The insights come first, then you notice changes, and then everything seems to speed up and click more frequently, fortifying your new habits against the constant hazards of bad judgment.

Strength is in need of frequent revival. Consolation is one of its elixirs. 

You will lose control of your mastery many times in life, especially when you face great elation or disappointment. You would be right to ask why make the effort to be more Centered. This isn’t where I chime in and say ‘you only get out what you put in’. That’s inaccurate. In fact, you will get a lot more than what you put in.

The Foggy Doors analogy



To use a metaphor, imagine your life as a series of foggy glass doors to get through. You have some idea what’s on the other side, but it isn’t clear. You don’t quite know which door to choose, and to add to your problems, most doors are locked. You used to crash through those doors because achievements and insights don’t come easily. So, one time, instead of smashing the next door down, you look for a key. After a short while, you find it under a stone. That effort you used to find the key is far less than the effort of smashing down the door.

Becoming more refined is like learning how which doors to try, and making keys to get through. to make keys for any door you face. Knowing your strengths, knowing how to influence others, making better decisions, carrying yourself in a more dignified and effective way. These things all contribute to your key-making. You can get through doors that were specifically reserved only to be unlocked by you. Step into the next room in a slick suit. Marvel at how you did it so smoothly. You will handle whatever awaits you far more adeptly. You receive back many times what you put in. This is surely the holy grail of any investment strategy!