ASSIGNMENT: After someone misbehaves

Addictions, Gambling, Betrayal, Irresponsibility, Drugs, Unfaithfulness. Those are the main taboos.

Spitefulness, Gossip, Overwork, Laziness. These are less societally visible but also very painful to be on the receiving end.

Both Adam and Eve go through a pathway of emotions in the aftermath of these events.

This exercise is not about blaming. It is about taking responsibility for one's feelings. To explain:

If someone betrays or hurts you, and even if you totally had nothing to do with why they did it, you still have the responsibility of dealing with YOUR feelings in the aftermath. If you don't, then you are leaving yourself open to the ups and downs of your hurt, your pain, numbness, and so on. It may simply prolong your own recovery and hurt you for longer than it ought.

Pain is inevitable in life. Suffering is optional.

So, whether you were the one who betrayed, or the one who got betrayed, you have to do something to help move yourself forward. It helps you get back to a better, more balanced state of mind to get your life up and running again. You can consider how to deal with your partner as a separate matter, but for now, your responsibility is to try to settle your own waters.

Exercise 1: Exploring Emotions and Boundaries

1. Take a pen and paper, and make two columns: one for "Emotions" and one for "Boundaries."
2. In the "Emotions" column, write down the various emotions you have experienced due to what happened and the resulting mayhem. Be honest and allow yourself to express any emotions that arise.
3. In the "Boundaries" column, list the boundaries that have been crossed and compromised when you or your partner did those things. Consider both emotional and physical boundaries. Your Ego has a strong sense of its own boundaries of pain and limits thereof. Listen to those things but temper them with a sense of fairness and honourability rather than a wish to punish or spite.
4. Reflect on each emotion and boundary you have listed. Take a moment to understand how these have affected your well-being, self-esteem, and overall happiness.
5. Now think, if for example say Adam was betrayed by Eve, what would Adam be reasonably within his rights to do in order to protect himself? Would he be wise to adjust his boundaries to protect his emotional, financial or physical wellbeing? 
6. Then apply this thinking to your situation. Depending on which side of the equation you were on, are the measures you (or they) took reasonable? How so? What would you improve, or do differently, going forward?

Exercise 2: Personal Needs and Expectations

1. Write down your personal needs and expectations in a relationship. Consider areas such as trust, respect, communication, and emotional support. Remember the Truths of Life in this.
2. Write down your needs and expectations from other people in your life, be it friends, employers and so on.
3. Reflect on this: How have recent events affected or changed your needs and expectations from your partner? Also reflect on these things:

• Were your needs unmet before the event? Were your boundaries unexamined or unclear?
• Did lack of boundaries or wrongly framed expectations contribute to the problem, or make it worse?
• Do you find yourself looking to blame at least some of the bad behaviour on those forces?

Don't be afraid. You're not trying to deflect blame; you're trying to be holistic and truthful. You ultimately still have responsibility to deal with the aftermath as far as your own emotions is concerned.

Now, if you have done the bad thing, consider whether you have shown any willingness to address and work on your issues, seek help or making changes. If your partner has strayed, ask yourself if they have shown such things.

• Evaluate your own emotional and mental well-being, and consider one basic question:
• Can you imagine being with your partner using your higher aspirations (your Rules of Conduct- including forgiveness, optimism and so on)?
• Can you imagine that the betrayal will still lurk within your future together?
• If so, then determine if you are prepared to deal with your partner's issues and struggles honourably, patiently and with deep generosity while you and they try to get back on your feet.

Based on this evaluation, write down any compromises or conditions that you would expect to see in order to consider rebuilding the relationship.

Exercise 3: Considering the Highest parts of your Nature.

1. Take a moment to reflect on the positive aspects of your relationship and the reasons why you were initially drawn to your partner. Give thanks, genuinely and sincerely, for the many good things that drew you to them, or the good times you shared. Take proper time to reflect on those things. It helps if you flick through old photos or videos to jog your memory into a more positive or nostalgic frame of mind.
2. Consider whether you are open to the possibility of reconciliation, and if you can find solace in the idea that even the best of people can make bad mistakes of judgment. Can you continue to be genuinely thankful, even in the face of deeply hurtful things? If so, then you have got some spiritual intelligence still in place. Be thankful for this, and seek to find out if your partner has the same. 
3. Reflect on your own capacity for forgiveness, empathy, and patience. Consider whether you are ready and willing to embark on a journey of healing and potential reconciliation.

Consider also that neither of you is unchangeable if there is a willingness to try to find a better way. If you or they were going to change, it would work better if you both became MORE in tune with your respective strengths and LESS concerned with each other's weaknesses. Readiness to forgive, accept or even love one another's quirks is the hallmark of a genuinely inseparable relationship.

After all, your partner is the one person in all the world who has the privilege and duty of accepting all that you are without needing to change it. You can do the same for them.

Do not fear that this means 'giving in' to their bad habits. It does not. You have every right to draw the line or walk out if they do something totally out of order. But here's the magic: if you align with their individuality in a way that makes them feel validated, appreciated and understood, and you help them to feel believed in and cherished, you are doing your part in helping them feel whole. They will be less likely to stray. Ultimately, it's still up to them what they do, but you become a positive element in their life rather than another person waiting for them to screw up.